I have been reading a great series of books that were edited by a committed Christian from one of these big, powerful and charismatic congregations in the US. The books are a series of quotes in alphabetical subject order. Some are funny, jokes, others serious and moving, some bring me to tears while the next can have me roaring with laughter.
However, yesterday I was reading it and was saddened by a particular post which stated that children of single women or lesbians, in fact any home where the birth father is absent, leads to the child being more likely to have low self esteem, commit crimes, commit suicide etc etc... They even gave the percentage chance that the child would be more likely to do or experience these things than a child raised by their male birth parent!
It was evident that the blame lay firmly at the door of the woman or women who for whatever reason had found themselves raising their children in these circumstances.
What it evidently never considered was how much of the issues faced by these children were due to the negative attitudes that society, culture and faith groups have towards their life circumstances. If single mums were not considered to be bottom of the pile, judgement is heaped onto people who do not seem to fit a particular mould.
Children find they are bullied and tormented because they or their lives do not 'fit', and so often this is done in the name of God. Well that is NOT the God I have come to know and love!!!
Young people and children need love, understanding, encouragement and more love. They need to be given enough freedom to find out who they are and what kind of grown up they are going to be. Is it any wonder that those who during this process come up against judgement and hate grow up to be angry and resentful instead of the wonderful, diverse and giving members of society that they could have been.
Not having a birth father in the home does NOT cause children to do harm to themselves and others, it is the messages they hear, the actions that are taken against them and the lack of acceptance that is all too prevalent.
This is my first blog post and I am proud to say that my Lesbian, Christian body is a place where the Sacred and the Queer meet and I have the privilege of seeing this in so many other people too....so follow this blog and find out what it means to live in the liminal space of the Sacred and the Queer.
Absolutely! I know way too many children from one parent families or lesbian families, and I actually find that the children are often just as well adjusted if not more so, because they have grown up accepting others who are 'different' and so they learn to love the exceptions as well as the rule!
ReplyDeleteI think some of these people are living in chocolate box idealic pararell universes - like anything else nuclear families can be good, or not so great and generally for most, somewhere in between the two - children need love and consistency and safety and boundaries preferably from their parents but what about those parents who do not put the needs of the children first? In 16 years of social work Ive seen plenty of that and in that case children are actually isolated within nuclear families with only their birth parents to turn to. Don't get me wrong I am not undermining the specialand unique relationship between parents and children but I do wonder if children were better served in days gone by when extended commmunities worked and played much closer together and had a collective responsibilty for the children in the community so that they were not always dependant on their parents for all their needs and if parents were not providing all that the child needed there were other adults the child could easily and without a fuss reach out to. I also think the absence of birth fathers is nothing new- in days gone by there were still lone mothers who got pregnant by mistake, and in times of war many children would grow up without their fathers. I think the ideas of what constitutes the 'right' sort of family and the notion of what 'childhood' is are social constructs that differ in different times and within different cultures and I wonder what it must feel like to be those people who are so convinced that their way is the only way to be!! Interesting subject!
ReplyDeleteDoris comments:
ReplyDeleteMy close friend of 22 years is a single parent of two kids and from what I hear it's the other kids they associate with that have more negative things to say than adults . . their curiosity linked with my friends kids inability to answer questions lead to emotional distress and curious 'moods' when they get back home.
One example from just a couple of months ago was the elder child (A) having a breakdown the night before the last new term started. My friend was horrified and it took 'A' four days to complete a full day back into her new class . . it transpired (with a doctors help) that jibes had been directed to 'A' about shoes she wore were recognised to be that of another school kid . . the kids parent had kindly given my friend a bag of clothing as her kid had finished with them and when my friend (1st) went into school about this, she was advised to take it up with the kids parent.
So my friend did . . she went to the vicars wife, thanked her again for the bag of clothes and explained what happened . . and though she was assured the kid would be dealt with, 'A' is now subject to more ignorance at school and my friend is feeling very hopeless about it all.
And I keep re-reading the part in Ruth's blog that states 'It was evident that the blame lay firmly at the door of the woman or women who for whatever reason had found themselves raising their children in these circumstances' and I HATE it. And to keep this clean, I'm reserving judgement!
Doris comment continued:
ReplyDeleteMy friend is the most resourceful woman I know: she makes clothing, she knits, she makes bedding and constructive educational toys for her kids, she bakes and cooks anything and everything, she's a great artist, she is very able with DIY, a great mother and homemaker, has recently gone back into the classroom herself to assist her children with their homework, she holds down a part time job that she HAS to do to continue to gain DSS assistance and I don't know another person more internally loving and gentle than her. She shares appropriate chores with both her children (who are six and eight) and until this situation arose all seemed well.
I know her circumstance, of course I do. She's a person who doesn't broadcast her journey to where she is now . . but if folk knew, if they had any idea of the challenge's she's dealt with, they'd want to throttle anyone who poked negativity in her direction.
So I ask myself: How do we know of anyone's 'journey'? And why should we?
Should it be any of our business to have to know if a persons journey warrants our compassion and understanding and patience to any circumstance we find our paths crossing during the course of our lives?
I've learnt so so much from my friend and find she's an inspiration to me. I love her with all my heart. I truly love her.
So for me: I don't want to be a part of a world that blames (in particular here) single parents. I want to be a part of a world that could just even consider that 'love is the answer'
Even without knowing someone . . if you have 'love' in you then it shouldn't matter what race, gender, religion, circumstance a person has . . and patience: be patient . . and allow: allow a person just to 'be' . . allow them space: possibly to recover . . how do WE know?
It all starts in the home (actually my mam used to say "its starts in the womb and its got nowt t'do wi'the fella", though I disagree!) and I think good, compassionate grounding from which ever parent or guardian is responsible for a child should take responsibility for a childs actions and deal with any negativity before it gets out of hand . . whatever the circumstance!
If anyone is 'different', could we not try to love the difference and learn from it? This can be done from a distance . . and I know this from experience. And whatever a persons circumstance: it shouldn't really be important unless any harm is caused due to a union of any sort . . what should matter is that goodness and love can be transformed into human flesh when we are supportive and humble and it matters just to us (ourselves) that our goodness and faith in LOVE is clarified in our deeds. They don't need broadcasting . . we shouldn't expect medals . . it should be enough that our deeds, through our love, should invigorate and excite us to do more to destroy negativity and inspire others into positivity and constructive growth.
LOVE is important and I believe we can be the image of LOVE, we can be the eyes of LOVE . . in the father, the mother, the sister, the brother, the adult, the child, the son, the daughter . . who are the fruits of love are they not?
So we should look inside ourselves, in our hearts and see if we really have 'that' kind of LOVE for others, not just ourselves. And if we find we have: then that's great, even if it's a tiny bit . . because a tiny bit: like a child, can be worked on and (going back) we wouldn't have statements such like: "It was evident that the blame lay firmly at the door of the woman or women who for whatever reason had found themselves raising their children in these circumstances" . . . what ignorance!
But that's just my view :-)
I'm now coming up for breath!
Katrina comments:
ReplyDeletein my work at Connexions with unemployed teenagers it seems rare for a young person to have a birth father at home, sometimes they don't have a birth mother either, and increasing numbers of 16/17 year olds are on their own in a B & B or if they are lucky, being brought up by their 'nan'. I wonder if those who think that a traditional nuclear family is the only way realise how increasingly unusual that actually is? These disadvantaged young people whom I see on a daily basis are not used to having anyone care about them, let alone love and nurture them, and this is all they really want.